


If You Have to Ask

by prelives



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Genderbending, Kink Meme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-17
Updated: 2010-06-17
Packaged: 2017-10-10 03:58:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/95228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prelives/pseuds/prelives
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You don't think I could tell the difference?" (Wherein Jamie Kirk demonstrates to one Leonard McCoy exactly how an orgasm is faked, Meg Ryan style.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	If You Have to Ask

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Total ridiculousness and crack lies ahead.
> 
> Originally posted as a [response to this prompt](http://community.livejournal.com/st_xi_kink/7030.html?thread=17640310#t17640310) at [](http://community.livejournal.com/st_xi_kink/profile)[**st_xi_kink**](http://community.livejournal.com/st_xi_kink/). The prompt was for a girl!Kirk/McCoy fic based off of [the iconic diner scene](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nNhOH4Y0bI) from _When Harry Met Sally_ wherein Meg Ryan (very loudly) fakes an orgasm.
> 
> Also, pairing only implied.

McCoy has barely set his tray down when the interrogation begins. "So Bones, did you get some last night?" Jamie Kirk possesses many great qualities, but unfortunately, subtlety is not among them. She's sprawled across several of the seats at a table in the Enterprise cafeteria, lazily working on her breakfast, and clearly waiting for McCoy to make an appearance so she could interrogate him on his activities the previous night.

"God damn it, Jamie, do you have to go and announce it to the entire cafeteria? Hell, go ahead, make a shipwide announcement, I don't think some guys down in engineering heard you!" McCoy is grouchy, as he always is when he hasn't had his coffee in the morning and he has to deal with Jamie, who acts like a hyperactive puppy on a daily basis.

"I can, if you like. I'm sure many people would be pleased."

"For the love of God, seriously, are you twelve?" She grins up at him, and waggles her eyebrows.

"Well would you like it if I was? And you still haven't answered my question. How did your date with Chapel go? Did she put out?" McCoy slams down his fork, and Jamie at least has the good graces to look mildly ashamed. "Okay, I'm sorry. But I'm just looking out for you. You're all cranky all the time, and I know you'd feel better if you just had a good old-fashioned fuck, even if it is with Chapel, who looks like she has a permanent pole up her ass."

At this, McCoy chuckles, and Jamie looks at him, intrigued. "Wait wait. What was that all about?"

"Nurse Chapel does not have, as you have so crudely put it, "a permanent pole up her ass." We had a very nice time, I will have you know." McCoy picks up his fork again, and resumes eating, determined to drop the subject.

"A nice time, huh?" Jamie scoots closer, and grins conspiratorially at him. "You guys fucked, didn't you?"

"Fine," McCoy concedes with a sigh. "If you really want to know, yes, we slept together, it was great, she had the early shift which is why I am here having this delightful conversation with you rather than enjoying a leisurely breakfast with her, so end of story." Jamie stares.

"No, this is too good. You never get laid." At that McCoy snorts. "No, nuh uh. We are not dropping this. This is the best day ever, and we're not even past breakfast!" She rubs her hands together gleefully, looking for all the world like a kid who has just discovered the hidden candy supply on top of the cabinet. McCoy looks at her, eyebrows raised, as he takes a long sip of his coffee.

"So it was a good time, huh?" Jamie grins lasciviously at him, and he groans.

"Yes, I think both parties involved agreed it was a good time. Now can you just let this go?"

"Never!" She eyes him closely, suddenly serious. "Are you sure _both_ parties had a good time?" McCoy cocks an eyebrow at her.

"Are you asking what I think you're asking?" She shrugs innocently. "Because I didn't hear any complaints last night, if you must know."

"Well that doesn't mean anything." She says it like it's the most obvious thing in the world, like duh.

"I think I'd know."

"I wouldn't be so sure, Bones." She smiles, a glint of what McCoy thinks is quite possibly pure evil in the corner of her eye.

"What the hell are you saying? Have – have _you_ ever, uh, faked it?" Jamie leans back in her chair, pretending to look thoughtful.

"Well yeah. I mean most, if not all, women have, at one point or another." McCoy frowns at her across the table.

"Oh don't be so sensitive. It's not necessarily about you, it's like, sometimes you're just like, okay, I'm tired, let's get this show on the road, and the guy's trying to be all chivalrous like "Ladies first!" so well, you fake it. I don't do it _all_ the time." She shrugs, no big deal, but he's still frowning, beginning to look seriously disturbed. "And don't think it hasn't happened to you at least once."

"I think I'd _know_, and as I said, no complaints." He looks decidedly unsettled, and she knows she's gotten to him. Jamie grins at him again across the table, he can see an idea forming in her head, and it cannot be a good one, by the looks of it. And then she moans. It's not a moan of pain, it's a _sex_ moan and McCoy glares at her.

"Jamie! What the hell do you think you're doing?" She ignores him, shutting her eyes and tilting her head back, letting her mouth drop open obscenely.

"Oh yeah," she purrs, rolling her neck, a small smile playing on her lips. "Just like that, come on." She lets out a sharp gasp and her eyes pop open, head snapping forward.

"Jamie!" McCoy hisses across the table. "What the hell is wrong with you? Can this not wait until we're somewhere without half the god damn ship?" Her response is to wink at him, and then another sharp gasp, followed by a moan, and then her fists actually _slam_ into the table, and if she wasn't before, she's drawing stares now.

"Oh god, right there, oh fuck, yeah." She's panting now, hands coming up to grab fistfuls of blonde hair, eyes fluttering, and if she wasn't so damn infuriating, McCoy might actually be a little turned on now.

"Oh god, yes!" She's actually shrieking now, and McCoy realizes with mortification that the entire cafeteria has now come to a standstill, watching Jamie's little display with some amount of interest. "Oh god, fuck yes, harder, Jesus Christ!" Always one with a flare for theatrics, Jamie is throwing herself into this role with gusto, milking the moment for all its worth.

She's banging her fists on the table again, obscenities spilling from her mouth, head thrashing, and even McCoy has to admit it's pretty god damn impressive. She hits the grand finale with a scream – an actual _scream_ \- and then her breathing slows to normal, and she sighs, long and contented, before picking up her glass of orange juice and taking a sip. The cafeteria is still dead silent, everyone just _staring_ at their table. Scotty actually has his fork frozen midair on its way to his mouth, which is hanging open. McCoy isn't sure whether to start a slow clap or offer her a cigarette.

It's Spock who finally breaks the silence with a quiet, "Fascinating." And then he turns to the cafeteria chef, who has been patiently waiting for his order during the duration of Jamie's performance, and politely says, "I will be having what she's having."


End file.
